Eternal Suffering
by mochi2isluv
Summary: Warped summary of the game in parody form! In a game where Frederic is the main character, Allegretto and Beat share a powerful yet embarrassing secret, Polkas pop out of the sky like it's no big deal, dreams and reality are blurred to confusion, and love triangles and time travelers abound, what can happen but eternal suffering? Rated T for language and sexual themes.
1. Chapter 1: Raindrops

**A/N: welp I've decided to start another parody thing because I can't have enough of parodies, obviously. Also because this game was a serious mindfuck, but man I enjoy it so much.  
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**basically this is going to be a summary of the game as me and my friends understood it during our first and second playthroughs. we didn't really pay attention much during cutscences, which probably accounts for why we didn't understand anything that was happening XD (I was busy fangirling over Frederic's top hat and making stupid nicknames for him while one of my friends was busy having a boner for Jazz and the other was busy humoring the both of us, but to be fair the plot is pretty wat in and of itself)  
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**as my friend said when describing this game to his roommate: "I love the characters, I just feel bad for them for being stuck in the plot."  
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**anyway, please enjoy, if you can.  
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**WARNING: TIME TRAVEL BULLSHIT, DESTRUCTION OF PAIRINGS AND HEADCANONS, ALSO LOLIS AND BONERS AND GEORGE NAKATA'S VOICE, IF YOU ARE UNPREPARED PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER (also, this is the xbox version, if you played it on ps3 you can take your fancy extra content and go somewhere else...no I am not bitter at all, not at all...)  
**

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**Chapter 1: Who's the Main Character Anyway**

Frederic Chopin did not fight monsters with children or explore the human condition in the depths of his subconscious on his deathbed. And he probably did not have a pretty boy face, although I haven't checked to be sure.

Frederic Chopin was a guy who played the piano, among other things, and perhaps wielded a conductor's baton at some point in his life, and who died at an unfortunately young age.

His name was not Shopan (although it is pronounced that way and would undoubtedly avoid confusion if it were) and most certainly was not Shimapan, being striped panties, which I have no idea if he liked or wore, or was even exposed to. Hell, I don't even know what time period he's from, or whether he's actually Polish or French or even Japanese (although I'm almost positive he's not). Look it up yourself if you are so inclined.

What I do know of Frederic Chopin, who will from now on be referred to as Shopan or even Shimapan in some cases, both being affectionate nicknames, is that he was in fact the main character of a Japanese rpg.

Some may claim that Shopan was not, in fact, the main character of said Japanese rpg. Some may clamor in favor of a silver haired (grey, actually) protagonist type by the name of Allegretto-chan, or a tender-hearted girl with bitchin twin tail drills voiced by Aya Hirano who answers to the name of Polka. But these people forget an essential detail: Shopan was the one dreaming, and when it's your dream you're always the main character. He's not the main character type, to be sure, but while Allegretto-chan may lead the party, everyone knows Shopan's the one who lets him do it.

In any case, the confusion on who's the main character of this rpg may be in part caused by the backstory given to Allegretto-chan and Polka. The game starts with a young Polka walking hand in hand with her mother, a woman by the name of Soup, who is actually not her real mother at all but in fact her adoptive mother and caretaker. The identity of Polka's real parents remains disclosed for now.

Soup has an unhealthy fascination with the moon and jumping off things. She feeds young Polka moon propaganda, which by transitive property equates to social justice propaganda or something. All this makes sense because waves. I think she mentions something about time travel bullshit, but young Polka is too busy not listening and staring at her reflection in the water to care. She's probably contemplating her future hair style choices, or else listening to the ethereal voice of Shopan speaking to her from his subconscious. She then proceeds to be adorable and ask cute questions about waves (dangerous territory for a little girl—what the fuck was Soup thinking teaching her about the moon and waves and shit, what if she decides to throw herself off a cliff) while Soup keeps pressing the issue of the corrupting waves of greed in human society ("Don't ever go to the city, Polka, you'll end up sacrificing your pure soul for the sake of humanity.")

Time travel to the future, where Polka has successfully completed Operation Bitchin Twin Tail Drills and Soup has relaxed a bit in her suspicions of city folk and their dangerous moon waves. Polka is upset for numerous reasons, none of them related to her hairstyle, of course, because it's awesome, but mostly about her disturbing magical healing powers. Polka has magic, which means she'll die young. According to city folk magic is contagious, which is pretty stupid. How can magic be contagious? That's stupid. No one knows.

There's also something about floral powder and mineral powder, but it's not really that important. What's more important are the two kids stealing bread from the local baker, who kind of chases them half-heartedly and lets them get away with armfuls of delicious, firm, sweet-smelling bread loaves.

"Wow, that was scary, Allegretto nee-chan!" says the younger one with a headache-inducing high pitched voice. His name is Beato, and he is forever useless (spoilers).

"Ha! What are you saying, Beat, that was easy!" Allegretto-chan speaks with an overconfident ease and wears a smirk and a wing over only one shoulder that screams _asshole_ or maybe even _hipster_. Beato thinks Allegretto-chan is his oneechan, and Allegretto-chan thinks Beato is his imouto-chan, but neither of them realize that they are both actually not girls. Allegretto-chan was separated from his penis inexplicably some time ago, which is why he is now holding a loaf of bread unconsciously over the place where his penis should be. He doesn't realize that Beato is the anthropomorphized form of his missing dick, because if he did then they would surely combine and form the ultimate in all that is deep and sonorous and sexy in the world—that is, when Allegretto-chan and Beato combine, they evolve into Jazz. This, however, is a secret they will both discover much later.

They end up delving into the sewers, and Beato is anxious about being attacked by rats because he is equipped with nothing but an oboe attached to a camera. Allegretto-chan somehow got the long end of that stick and gained proficiency in shortsword rather than photography, giving him an actual weapon that only looks like an instrument at the handle. He fancies himself smarter than Beato, which in all honesty isn't hard to accomplish.

In fact, Shopan doesn't appear until after the credits. Polka sits on the top of a cliff overlooking Ritardando—a very dangerous position considering Soup's training into her subconscious about jumping into oceans. Perhaps she is thinking of doing that at this moment, before Shopan interrupts her thoughts. He appears suddenly and without warning, saying, "Oh, it's really not as beautiful as it used to be."

We're not quite sure how he knows this, except that either he created the entire world and its history in his dream or he's bluffing.

Polka thinks he's bluffing.

"Who are you?" she asks, naturally suspicious of men (thanks to Soup).

Shopan looks very smart in his purple jacket and top hat. He is also on the verge of death, and knows it too. This makes his expression very wise as he tells her about the evanescence of everything that is beautiful and good in the world, and how this world is actually just part of his dream, and how he can read her mind and do a little magic but will probably die soon, anyway.

_Holy shit,_ Polka thinks, a little in awe. _ This guy is just like me._ He also talks a lot, but Polka is long since used to lengthy monologues about morality and humanity and social justice and such topics, courtesy of Soup, so she barely notices. She has never felt so understood by another person in her life. She invites Shopan to the forest for some tryst.

"There's something I want to show you, Mr. Shopan. But it can only be seen at night, in the forest. Want to come?"

"Wait, you mean right now?" Shopan says. He thinks he's being hit on, but he's never been hit on by a girl, much less a fourteen-year-old, so he's not quite sure.

"Yes," Polka says. She's a very decisive girl and knows exactly what she wants. Right now what she wants is Shopan. No one's ever made her feel this way before, and after their conversation she realized she kind of has a thing for older men. Or maybe just for Shopan.

_Well, whatever_, Shopan thinks. He isn't really attached to this place, being part of his dreamworld anyway, and he walks around in a sort of dreamy daze that Polka finds cute. She can't help putting him in his place.

So she shows him the Death Lights, or Heaven's Mirror, both of which are heavily connotated names for the silly flower that blooms at night, and slips in a mention about dreams.

"We're all just figments of your imagination, right? So how do you know what's reality?" she asks under the guise of innocence.

"But I read your mind," Shopan presses, convinced he's right.

"Actually, you didn't," says Polka. She has irrefutable proof, too. Shopan is thoroughly schooled. Also confused as hell. There is hope for no one by now. "Anyway, let's go back. You can stay at my house for the night," she offers.

Soup makes them some soup and doesn't really question why her daughter has brought back a man almost two and half times her age. He doesn't have the city feel to him, so it's fine.

"I'm going to Forte," Polka announces.

Soup is affronted. "But you can't, Polka! It's too dangerous for you alone!"

"But I'm not alone, I have Shopan with me!" Polka fires back. She presents quite the logical argument, and Soup almost finds herself convinced. But she is a caretaker with pseudo-mother capabilities, so she employs her ultimate weapon of argumentation.

"I'm your mother and I say no! Is this about the mineral powder? We can get by without selling floral powder, dear. None of that stuff really matters, anyway."

"Or does it?" mutters Shopan. Soup politely tells him to shove it up his ass. He ignores her advice and calmly sips his soup instead. It is very delicious. It's the only thing she's cooked her whole life, so she's damn well better have perfected it.

Polka huffs. "Come on, Shopan," she says, taking him by the hand while he grabs the bowl of soup with his other. "Mom, don't bother us!" And she slams the door behind them. Soup isn't particularly worried if her daughter is having sex with this strange old man or not, but damn it she's not going to Forte if she can help it. Turns out she has no say in the matter, because Polka has taken Shopan out the window and into the night, off to Forte with no trouble at all.

Soup sighs. She tried her best. She supposed it was bound to happen sooner or later.

"Welp," she says, and sits down at the table with a nice big bowl of soup.

[xx]

By this time Allegretto-chan and Beato have caught the Forte fever and are making their own way out of the city. Allegretto-chan warns Beato that the monsters in the forest are no sewer rats, that's for sure. Beato pretends not to be concerned and takes pictures of the surrounding landscape and a few of Allegretto-chan's butt. They are all S rank. They fight a bunch of monsters for a bit and it's all very exciting. Beato probably almost dies a couple times. It also starts to rain.

"Oh darn, it's raining," says Polka, about half a day ahead of Allegretto-chan and Beato on the forest path.

She steps forward but is confronted by an asshole wearing a monocle. "How convenient. I loathe getting wet, and here are some chums for me to relieve my stress. Mind if I play around with you for a bit?"

He doesn't wait for an answer and draws his sword with a smirk.

"That sounds dirty," says Polka, having been warned against playing with older men Soup never met and hadn't approved of. "Also who even uses the word _loathe_ anymore?" The answer is: only assholes.

"That's not fair, your weapon doesn't even have an instrument theme," points out Shopan, more than a little put out that his musically themed dream wasn't even thorough about it. It just reduced the immersion, that was all.

The Monocled Asshole (real name Fugue) is way too high leveled a boss for Shopan and Polka, who are both pretty squishy given that they are more of healers than fighters. Polka ends up unconscious after trying to come at Monocled Asshole with an umbrella (spoilers, umbrellas are not very effective weapons against swords, nor are they instruments, which further upsets Shopan).

"Oh shit," says Shopan, realizing death is an actual thing that can happen right now without him having to wait around for it, and pops a couple revival items he found on Polka after politely pausing the battle for a moment so he could search her pockets. Monocled Asshole doesn't stop him because he is amused by the silly man in the top hat. He eyes the top hat hungrily, and with a stirring that embarrasses him. No one who is ever cool wears a top hat _and_ a monocle—Tuba and Waltz would harass him relentlessly for it. But damn, he wants that top hat so bad.

It turns out their efforts are useless anyhow, and that death (unconsciousness, really) is the only true solution to continuing progress. When Shopan wakes up and realizes this, he spends a couple minutes being inordinately upset. Then he decides to take a walk. He is also relieved to discover Monocled Asshole didn't actually take his top hat (he decided against it, but was sorely tempted; only the prospect of Waltz's ever stinging patronization of his life and his choices were enough to dissuade—Waltz is a very powerful being indeed).

It's stopped raining, and Allegretto-chan and Beato arrive at last in the quaint Agogo Village. A little purple haired loli welcomes them, introducing herself as one of the guardians of the forest. Beato is awed. He believes she's some sort of spirit or goddess or something, because she's like the only person who is actually nice to him and because he's so useless that he thinks kids his age have to be useless as a general rule of thumb. March and Salsa are proof it's not, but Beato still likes to think so.

Polka comes out of the house just in time to finally meet up with Allegretto-chan and Beato.

"Oh hey, you're Polka, right?" asks Allegretto-chan.

"How do you know?"

"Oh, uh, it's cuz we've seen you around Ritardando and heard your name a couple times," says Allegretto-chan, hoping he doesn't sound like a stalker. He does. He also has an embarrassingly massive boner for Polka right now, which is transmitted through Beato, who feels uncomfortably aroused. Unfortunately for Allegretto-chan, his love is unrequited since Polka has been sleeping with Shopan since like the beginning.

"Your magic is cool!" blurts Beato, which upsets Polka into running away.

"Wow, way to go, Beat," Allegretto-chan says, punching Beato in the shoulder. They both say "Ow!"

"Why did she run off like that?" Shopan asks, strolling on up with a basket of goodies from his walk. It's not long before they hear her scream in the distance, and, amazed at how quickly she disappeared into the forest, the three of them charge in to find her. It's the first time they have a full party to fight with, and Allegretto-chan is relieved to have another person relatively more useful than Beato.

"Polka! What's wrong?" Allegretto-chan cries, bursting into the clearing. "Are you hurt?"

"What? Oh, no," she says. "I mean, there was this giant monster, but you guys killed it. Look at this! I think it's an agogo."

No one is sure what an agogo is, even after March's explanation and the apparent presence of one in the clearing.

"It's just…a ball of light," says Allegretto-chan.

"I want to take a picture!" cries Beato, scrambling for his clunky camera. He hopes for a super S rank, but the agogo is camera shy and disappears.

"Better luck next time," Allegretto-chan says. "Anyway, Polka, what are you doing all the way out here?"

She steels her expression. "I'm going to Forte."

"Oh man, what a coincidence, so are we!" It really is a coincidence, but it doesn't help his stalker image in the slightest. Polka smiles awkwardly and they head back to March's house, where Shopan introduces himself using his real name, which is confusing.

"Shimapan, was it?" says Allegretto-chan, leaning back with his arms behind his neck and being a brat. "In any case Polka, how about you travel with us to Forte? It's better with more people, I think."

"Sure," she says. She's decided to do be adventurous and do everything Soup warned her against. Trusting people, especially city people, especially city people who are street rats, is one of them.

"Sweet!"

"I was headed for Forte as well," says Shopan, and Allegretto-chan scowls.

"Damn, this trip is getting too crowded now," he mutters, but can't really do anything about it, since just a few seconds ago he said the more the merrier.

"If you're going to Forte, can you bring my sister her hat?" March asks. "She loves her hat. I can't believe she'd be so irresponsible and leave it here."

"Sure," says Allegretto-chan, being the chivalrous main character type that he is. "But how will we know who she is if we haven't met her?"

"Oh, we're twins, so that means we look exactly the same, obviously," March giggles. It makes so much sense their minds are blown. Their minds are so blown that they forget all about the existence of March until long after they've reached Forte. Beato keeps being wistful about agogos. Polka keeps wondering what the hell agogos even are, anyway. Allegretto-chan keeps thinking about how to get into Polka's pants. And Shopan keeps walking around with his head in the clouds, surely thinking of something wise and philosophical to extricate from his experience in this world.

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**A/N: I would probably know so much more about Chopin if we actually paid attention to the miniature history lessons strewn through the game instead of skipping them, but does anyone actually pay attention to those? o_O**


	2. Chapter 2: Revolution

**Chapter 2: Just Listen to the Voice  
**

We've gone over quite a few main characters already—there's Allegretto-chan and his little bro/anthropomorphized penis Beato, Polka with her magic sickness and bitchin twin tail drills, March (who is actually a main character and will come back in at some point), and the true main character of the story, Frederic Chopin, also known as Shopan, also known as Shimapan by some assholes, namely Allegretto-chan.

But for every hero there's got to be a villain, and who fills that post better than Waltz himself?

Waltz is a child king, or actually a child count, but that sounds dumb so we'll call him a king. He has something to do with mineral powder, which is apparently evil, which by extension makes him evil too. He lives by himself in a big castle and sits in a big throne and wears a silly puffed hat on his head. Basically, Waltz is a huge spoiled dick.

Waltz also has a lot of minions, and they all have names and turn out to be bosses. There's the Monocled Asshole, Fugue, whom Shopan and Polka had the misfortune of meeting already; Tuba, who they'll meet pretty soon; and Legato, who is some minor looking dude with an unassuming manner and dangerously pointy facial hair.

There's nothing much further to say about Waltz, besides the fact that he's a dick with some power problems and wants to ruin the lives of his people.

Fugue arrives to report his failure in seeing a glowing agogo to Waltz, who is not pleased. He is both parts glad and bitter he didn't take the top hat from the silly man—Waltz would have ripped him apart, but then at least it'd help him feel better about the whole thing. If only he knew glowing agogos were attracted to lolis.

[xx]

Shopan and the party arrive in Chorus Plains, where they get back attacked a lot by the scary fiery goats with wings and halos.

"Fucking goats!" Allegretto-chan cries when he tries to outrun one for the umpteenth time and fails.

All these goats are reminding Polka of Soup. She always makes her soup with goat meat and cheese.

Viola also kind of reminds Polka of Soup. It's probably just because of the goats. Viola is in her twenties and a bamf and actually has breasts and raises goats and practices archery in her spare time (which is a lot), and she also has a partner pet squirrel thing named Arco which everyone promptly forgets exists. She has a lot of things to say about Count Waltz as well, most of it flavorful explicatives that forces Polka to cover Beato's ears.

"You're going to Forte huh? I've got a few words to say to that ass-cheeked bastard." She cracks her knuckles. "The fucking dickwad is turning us into monsters! He's fucking ruining my business, let me tell you! A bunch of my poor little goats got killed because of that asshat!"

Allegretto-chan, Shopan, and Polka give each other glances and shift in their seats uncomfortably. They're almost certain they've been the ones killing her goats, but they're perfectly happy to let Waltz take the blame. Viola's wrath is terrible, and they'd rather not risk it because she can kick their ass no matter how high of level they may be.

They end up taking the road through Fort Fermata, which is annoying because of all the stupid rats and magic zombies they have to fight while also trying to figure out which paths lead where and which levers not to pull in order to get out. When they do manage to find the boss and get the key to main door, they trek their way back through the puzzle again, unlock the door, and find themselves back in the same long hall where they just fought the boss.

"Shit!" says Allegretto-chan. "Don't tell me we could have just walked down and unlocked it!"

"Fucking cameras," Viola sighs. Beato is a little indignant and hugs his camera with a pout.

[xx]

Somewhere else, a man with a short black ponytail and outrageous yellow rainboots is speaking. His name is Jazz, and he is the sexiest man in the world. Most of the sexiness is due to his voice, which is deep and reverberates through your very soul and is voiced by George Nakata. He is the evolved form of Allegretto-chan and Beato—which is to say, he is basically an older Allegretto-chan with a dick who is actually cool. Having missed out on a childhood without a penis, the newly-evolved Jazz decided to time travel back in order to create the harem he's always longed for. Considering how the entire universe has fallen for him and his voice, I'd say it's working.

There are two girls with him, a snarky grey-haired one and a beautiful one with delicate pink drills, but right now no one is paying attention to anything but Jouji's voice. Everyone in the world rolls on the floor with delight until at last Jazz stops talking and returns to Shopan & Co, who have arrived in Forte at last after more goat-dodging bullshit.

Some unimportant stuff happens and they attempt to enter the castle to fulfill their mission and speak with Waltz, but they're stopped by a fat man with an eyepatch and an oversized neckpiece that covers his mouth but unfortunately does not muffle his booming voice. Shopan & Co have finally had the misfortune of meeting Tuba.

Beato gets the brunt of the misfortune, though.

"Hey, we just want to go in and talk!" he cries, the poor misguided soul. Tuba, being the asshole that he is, slaps Beato in the face.

"Oh shit, no one gets to slap my Beat but me," says Allegretto-chan darkly. Everyone else feels the same way, and their overwhelming hatred for Tuba right now is almost intimidating, if he didn't have the power to send them to the dungeons. Which he does, laughing heartily. He is a disgusting shotacon, which he discovered just now after becoming aroused by the Beato-slapping incident. He's not very good at keeping it a secret, although he tries.

Fortunately, all the other shotas and lolis to be had are either Waltz, or are in the dungeon (Tuba knows better than to mess with Waltz, although it's very tempting). A little girl with flaming red hair greets them by steadily managing to offend everyone in the party. Her name is Salsa, and she's a little cranky because she's lost her hat and now she wants it back. She senses that it's close.

"Hey you! Wing guy! Give me back my hat!" She clambers all over Allegretto-chan until she snatches her hat back. She's in love with her hat and has eyes for no one else. It's been her steady and faithful companion through the years, and with it nesting on her head she once again feels complete. Satisfied that she's offended everyone at least once, and deciding it might be a bad idea to keep calling Viola and old lady, she settles for teasing Beato.

Allegretto-chan opens the door, which had actually been unlocked this whole time, and the party, which is now way too full by Allegretto-chan's standards (he still thinks it should be only him and Beato and Polka), proceeds to leave the jail through a secret underground passage through the mountains. Jazz, Falsetto, and Claves are conveniently waiting for them when they reach the other side, and they seem to recognize Salsa as one of the guardians of Agogo Forest.

Salsa then flashbacks to a time when she was even more loli. She remembers how she was thrown into jail in the first place, and everyone gets buttmad all over again at Tuba, even if he wasn't the one explicitly at fault (Tuba is always at fault). Jazz and his harem join them but aren't accessible as party members yet, because Jazz is such a tease, and they make their way back toward Viola's house for some reason or another, probably to check up on her goats.

It is here, on the way back through Fort Fermata, that Allegretto-chan decides to confront Shopan about his motives for traveling with the party (he's too close to Polka, dammit).

"So Shimapan, what are you doing here anyway? I mean, not that I'm trying to pry." He totally is though, with his hands thrown behind his neck as if he couldn't care less, while shooting a sneaky sidelong glance. "If you want to keep it to yourself that's fine too."

Shopan freezes like a rabbit caught in headlights. Suddenly he's thrown into some weird, inner monologue, where he debates the existence of grand European cities such as Warsaw and Paris ("Does that mean they do not exist? Wait! No! Surely they do, I've been there, I've seen them with my own eyes, there can be no question about it!") but then also the unmistakably close parallels between his dream and his own reality ("But if it's so ambiguous, then which one is _real_?") and in the end manages to irreversibly confuse himself and concludes that there is only one truth and that truth is that he is a famous composer named Frederic Chopin. He has a conductor's baton to prove it, and feels slightly better about himself. He doesn't realize he's said everything out loud, and now everyone is staring at him with varying degrees of confusion, revulsion, and blankness on their faces. Allegretto-chan regrets asking for various reasons, not least of which is the awkward realization that Shopan's monologues kind of turn him on.

"Um, right," he says, clearing his throat and shuffling his feet. "Let's uh, get going then." Beato follows behind, rather stiffly.

They stop once more in the center of the bridge, which seems like a pretty bad place to stop considering the hundred or so foot drop to the rapids below. The bridge is pretty sturdy, but you never know when someone might come along to destroy it. But Beato has some questions concerning the plot, and everyone stops for a moment to try and figure it out before explaining it to him.

Tuba, who has been secretly stalking Beato since they left the capital, dashes out at what he finds to be an opportune moment. Caught completely unprepared, he forces the two lolis (Beato is of loli status) to fight him with only Viola as the resident badass around to help. Everyone else sits around and seethes, hating him for making the most useless member fight. And when he loses and determines all hope is lost and Waltz will never love him again ever and breaks the bridge in a suicide mission, everyone hates him ten times more. Because from this point on, their party becomes separated, forcing the four weakest members to fight the strongest enemies of the game in what is quite possibly the most bullshit area ever.

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**A/N: So this is going to be pretty short because I'm just going through all the chapters from the game (there are like, 7 or so?) but yeah if anyone is actually reading this, I would love your reviews! :D**


	3. Chapter 3: Fantaisie-Impromptu

**A/N: Wow people seem to actually like this, I must say I'm pleasantly surprised. So here's chapter 3, hope you guys enjoy!  
**

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**Chapter 3: Basically, Fuck Pirates**

"Well shit," says Jazz, sitting by the campfire with a sigh. "Guess there's no helping it. I will help you guys fight these swamp monsters."

Everyone in the world is thrilled, because Jazz is by far the best character and breaks the game with his strength and his sexiness.

Jazz and team _GEO BUREIDO!_ their way through the swamp with no problem at all, except for their lack of a decent healer (who was the genius behind putting both healers on the same team, anyway). Claves attempts to make up for the lack of Polka and Shimapan, but she just isn't good enough.

They arrive at the quaint Cantabile Inn, where Viola teases Allegretto-chan about liking Polka, and where she fully appreciates for the first time the sexiness that is Jazz and George Nakata's voice. Allegretto-chan feels strangely incomplete and attributes the feeling to Polka's absence, not even thinking about Beato. Jazz talks, and no one is listening to what he's actually saying because they're all mesmerized. The next day they continue on to through the poisonous mushroom forest with weird squid jellyfish pumpkin monsters to Andaninto. Jazz lets Falsetto lead them around the rebel camp and leaves to go have private sex time with Claves. They talk to everyone in the camp and learn pretty quickly that everyone there completely idolizes Jazz (it's not really a surprise).

"Wow, everyone loves Jazz," says Viola.

"…in bed," snickers Allegretto-chan. He adds "in bed" after everything everyone says, because he thinks it's hilarious.

"I have great respect for Jazz." ("In bed.")

"Death is not glamorous." ("In bed.")

"Jazz never lets down a comrade!" ("In bed.")

"A man's toughest weapon is his body! How about it, you up for some Special Taining?" (The man winks and Allegretto-chan walks away too quickly to add "in bed" this time.)

They pass by a room in which some soldiers are debating whether to start fighting now or wait for Jazz's orders.

"Jazz is too cautious."

"_In bed_!" Allegretto-chan whispers. Viola whacks his head.

They then arrive in a room where a little girl is crying about a flower with a stupid name. She's either crying because it's name is so stupid or because it's wilting and she can't get the special water it needs, or maybe because the special water it needs shares the same stupid name it has, or maybe all three. In any case, her father is being a wuss about having to go through the graveyard to get the water from the spring, and Falsetto says, "God, this guy's a coward!"

"_In bed_."

"Oh shut up," she retorts, and Allegretto-chan does, satisfied with himself. It seems making innuendo has helped him cope with Beato's absence somewhat.

But with the father being uncooperative, it's up to them to brave the graveyard. They do so valiantly, gathering all the lights they need to find for the stupid candle puzzles, and killing a demon ghost that was probably just guarding the spring from people like them.

During this time, Jazz and Claves were busy having sex, because that is a thing couples do, especially when your partner is Jazz. Jazz wasn't as lively as usual though, Claves noticed, because he was busy thinking about whether or not Falsetto was a spy and how the possibility could ruin his harem. He tells Claves about his fears, saying how he's known Falsetto for quite some time and she used to tell him everything but now she doesn't tell him anything and acts suspicious.

_Shit_, she thinks. _I'm THAT asshole._ You know. The one who steals the childhood friend. She feels a little bad about it, for Falsetto's sake, but then not too bad because she's still got Jazz at least. She is also the real spy, and she is also the worst at it. She is also pretty sure that Jazz is bad at figuring out when people are in love with him, despite his sexiness and goal for a harem. It is probably a subconscious inability on his part due to his past experiences as Allegretto-chan and Beato and their immense failures with Polka and Salsa.

Jazz ends up leaving to go fetch everyone back from Andante because it's taking them way too long and he suspects Falsetto missed his subtle hint for an orgy he wants to have tonight, giving Rondo an opportunity to kill Claves.

"I didn't want to have to do this, you know," she says, after stabbing Claves numerous times. Rondo is a raging sadist, and seeing Claves writhing in pain on the ground turns her on in more ways than she wants. If only Jazz knew she was stalking his girlfriend, he would have invited her to the party. She would have probably still killed Claves either way. She's a little kinky.

She watches Claves for a while longer and then leaves because dying is the boring part and she has better things to be doing with her time, like stalking her next target. However, Claves has a willpower of fucking steel and stays alive long enough to deliver a lengthy monologue about how she wished she could have met Jazz under normal conditions and lived happily together, and about the strange feelings she keeps having when she thinks about Falsetto, and how she just wants to apologize to her, and maybe make out a little bit. Through the course of her monologue, she rolls around the floor and then staggers across the room to the window, and then to the other side of the room to the other window, and then to the chair, and then to the dresser, and then back to the floor, where she finally dies a peaceful offscreen death. Claves dies on her own terms, dammit.

Somewhere elsewhere, Polka is beginning to wonder if it's a bad thing to want Shopan so badly, when Beato interrupts her for no other purpose but to trigger a flashback that no one wanted to remember.

"Beato, we're already in Baroque, I don't want to think about—" she begins to say, but it's already too late for everyone and they are transported back to a time before Baroque, when they were picked up by Crescendo.

Salsa has lost her hat and is being pretty upset about it, considering it was her one true love. She eyed Shimapan's hat for a while, but decided top hats weren't quite her thing. She even almost considered Beato's pathetic little sailor hat but perished the thought before it appeared. Beato isn't helping matters by being a dick (which he learned how to do from Allegretto-chan, despite literally being one himself). Polka kicks them both out because she can handle _mature_ conversations like the _mature_ young woman she is, unlike some _immature _children, while Shopan and Crescendo are in turns thanking and flattering each other.

"You are so young for a captain," Shopan says. Polka goes on alert because she thinks he's trying to hit on Crescendo and no way is she going to have that. Salsa barges through the door at hearing the word "captain" and then proceeds to criticize Crescendo for not being legit enough. I mean come on, he doesn't even have an eye patch or anything.

Everyone goes off to sleep, but Polka realizes she can't and wanders the ship talking to people and collecting random items and then comes across Shopan staring pensively out over the ocean. She makes fun of him some more for not having woken up from his "dream" yet, and they have a conversation about dreams and death and other such topics they enjoy. Shopan then tells her something he hasn't confided to anyone yet—the death of his sister.

"She was fourteen. The same age as you."

"Oh," Polka says. "So you're a sis-con."

Shopan opens his mouth to protest but apparently some pirates have taken that as their cue to attack the ship.

"Sneaky pirates!" Crescendo swears. "They have a tendency to sneak up from behind and ram their unsuspecting targets."

"_In bed_," someone says, probably Allegretto-chan from far away.

Shopan decides to do the noble thing and kick those piratey asses. Crescendo warns him that even the pirate underlings are really strong. No one takes him seriously. They realize this mistake rather quickly, because you see, pirates are really strong for absolutely no reason at all.

"Who decided to put shortie in our party!" Salsa cries, lamenting Beato's uselessness. Even though she's the youngest, she is the strongest in the party at this point. In any other circumstance she would have reveled in it, but it was a little hard to revel when pirates were bullshitting your health bar down to zero. Polka and Shopan try their best, but they are still pretty squishy healers. Beato suggests running past them, but pirates are fast motherfuckers and end up back attacking them.

"Thanks, useless!" Salsa snaps.

After countless battles of bullshit and numerous devastating back attacks, they finally reach the ultimate in all that is piratey bullshit: the pirate queen Dolce. Salsa is almost nearly put out of commission due to her fangirling all over the floor ("Eypatch! Hook! Real pirate, ahhhh!"). She isn't fangirling once Dolce starts destroying them all over the place, though.

"Heh," Dolce sneers as she muskets Shopan to pieces. She keeps healing her lieutenants too, and the whole fight is just one giant pain in the ass. Somehow they end up defeating her, and they all relax in relief.

"This isn't the last of me!" she threatens, storming off with her lieutenants. In her anger she's dropped her hat, and as soon as Salsa's eyes fall upon it something clicks.

"This is my one true love!" she declares, stuffing it on her head. It snuggles against her temples like it's always longed to belong there. There is nothing greater than requited love. Or making fun of Beato, which she promptly does.

Back in the present, Beato makes a face. "I just remembered something I wish I hadn't," he groaned.

"Yeah, thanks for that," says Polka wryly. She never wants to remember those pirates again. It was perhaps the darkest time of her life.

MORAL: Never underestimate pirates. (no seriously though pirates are overpowered it's ridiculous)


End file.
